16 Feb “You’ve vastly over-blown my vague curiousity for down-right obsession in your review of my, rather, boring and hum-drum day-to-day life.”
“What does that mean?”, Bilta replies as he leans back in the plastic recliner in the cafe by the beach.
“It means that you aren’t coming around for my interest–but for yours.”
“I care about you”, Bilta remarks as he turns his head to look out the window towards the surfers.
He pauses; he takes a sip of coffee.
“I”, he continues speaking, “I just want to help you.”
“I hear what you are saying”, I reply as I shift in my chair and pick up my taza, “you are saying that you want to help–but what I hear is a Haki addict with depression and money problems saying that they need my help, actually.”
“I didn’t say that!”, Bilta replies as he turns his head back to me.
“You did”, I reply as I take a sip of coffee, “but not directly–you are speaking the real message indirectly.”
I take another sip of coffee; this shit is fucking delicious.
“I”, I turn my head to look out the window at the surfers as I continue speaking, “I hear what you are saying–but I also hear what you are saying. It’s easy to shift the responsibility in your life to others–it’s not me, it’s them. Try this experiment–beyond the you and them is a neutral location. Rather then saying that I’m great or You are the problem consider declaring This is a nice place. Beyond where you exist and others are is a neutral location–if you can keep the conversation on this, then your focus will also be there. It’s very difficult to constantly keep your spirits high or your friends around, but the mountain”
I pause and turn my head towards the snow-capped hills in the distance, “the mountain rarely moves–if you can focus on that like you are interested in me, then maybe you can have, or develop, some consistency or stability in your life. Find something that is constant to be interested in–find a way to develop intense obsession with something and keep me to your curiousity.”
“So are you going to pay for the coffee?”, Bilta replies as he turns his head from me towards the snow-capped mountains in the distance.
“See!”, I reply as I turn my head back to him, “this is what I’m talking about–now, you are starting to be honest with me. If you can keep this going, it will be peaceful–a meditation in life. Keeping this going, you will be connecting to what is around you–stay focused on where you are and not what is going on around you. Let go of the obsession with what is happening and create, in you, a sense of curiousity.”
“What does that mean?”, he replies as he turns his head back towards the mountains, “how do stop taking an interest in you and instead stare at the mountains?”
“Find beauty”, I reply, “don’t look at the mountains–look at the beauty. If you live a life looking for beauty, you will become beautiful.”
“I want to be beautiful!”, he replies as he sets his styrofoam cup down.
“Yeah”, I reply as I get up and drop a 50 peso note on the table, “I don’t really care. Good luck.”
I take a step to leave the space; as an after-thought, I turn and look back at the surfers; many better ways to spend your life.