"Well, HR, that´s when we started pressing charges for cyberharassment", I say as I reach over for the palomitas. » Y G H M®: the stories, yo
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“Well, HR, that´s when we started pressing charges for cyberharassment”, I say as I reach over for the palomitas.

“Well, HR, that´s when we started pressing charges for cyberharassment”, I say as I reach over for the palomitas.

“What was it like before?”, she asks as she grabs a bag of digitalpapitas.

“Well”, I say as I start speaking in my really dramatic voice, “it was like this–

You are driving along a dark and dusty dirt road in the country. BAM! You get a flat tire. You get out to change the tire–WTF… What is my friend from 2nd grade doing here… who I never really spoke to, except for that one time in gym class… we´ll talk about that later… MEA CULPA… sorry, about that… but, back to the dirt road in the country and flat tire… so there they are with a new tire… AND get this–it´s free! So you´re all like, “wow–thanks 2nd grade friend, I don´t actually know.  I mean… WOW–how can I thank you?” And they´re all like, “it´s cool”… and you´re like, “OH OK”, and then they like give you the thumbs up signal and turn around and go back to hiding behind a tree on the side of the road… and you´re all like, “oh WOW… that´s kinda awkward but OK… sure… thanks again 2nd grade friend for the new tire that helps me out in my moment of emergency.” And then they give you a thumbs up signal, again, and you´re all like, “oh WOW… I guess I´m in some kind of like secret superhero group or something and we don´t talk about it…. The Crowd of Somewhat Helpful People that Appear at Strange Times and Give You the Thumbs Up Signal.” So… now you know what´s going on. Well HR”

I pause; this is actually going better then expected.

So now you have your new tire and you´re all like.. Oh WOW that dude from 2nd grade is amazing… when Susie jumps out from behind a tree and throws a handful of nails at your tire. And you´re all like, “Damn It, Susie… that´s a new tire”, but Susie don´t give a fuck. Susie starts speaking,”that´s for that one time that you probably don´t remember that probably didn´t even happen as I remember that I´ve been festering over for 17.39 years.” And you´re like… “Ok Susie. Mea culpa!” But, really, you don´t know what Susie is talking about–still, you kinda have to go with it because Susie also has a baseball bat in her hands and she means business. So you´re like, “Hey Susie… you have an extra tire because now my new tire is flat?” And Susie doesn´t–damn it Susie, I´m inconvenienced. But BAM! Now here is your best friend from high school that is an expert mechanic and can fix a flat tire with two rubber bands and a toilet paper roll. And you´re all like, “Oh WOW… you are super useful and a great friend.” And they´re all like, “YEAH, I know.” And then they give you a hug, and you´re like, “OH WOW… please no physical contact… but it´s ok.” And they´re all like, “you know–that´s how it goes.”

I pause, again; I pick up my taza; I take a sip*

*remember that sip is a slang word that means of course. So what is the real story of this post?

I set my taza down; I reach over for the palomitas; I grab a handful; these are fucking delicious.

“Hey dad”, HR says as she takes a gulp of soda, “I´m checking the TV show times and it says in the newspaper that Mystery Situation with Joe Mechanic starts in 8 minutes; you have to check it out–it´s awesome!”

I pause; what was the point to that super lame story that I just told?

“Oh yeah”, I say as I recline in my chair, “so of these people, these 3 people, who is the hero? Who did the right thing? Which situation is cyberharassment–what behavior do we want more of? If prevention is the goal, what is the right action?”

HR pauses; he thinks he´s clever or funny, but I think these things, these stories, are really lame.

“Well I think…”

“I don´t care–I´m just going to tell you”, I say as I lean forward and pick up my taza; I take a sip.

Continuing, “why is the person driving on a dirt road in the country without tools to change a spare tire–fortunately, someone was there to help. Also Susie, not so bad–kind of a jerk–but not so bad; maybe, she will have peace with her past that lets her move forward into a more fulfilling life–really it´s an inconveinence, but lighten up… it´s ok., so if the last person was your best friend, why are they on the side of the road and not in the car? Really, don´t answer any of these questions–the point is just that you don´t necessarily understand what is going on….

But, you just kinda have to go with it–trust it.

In retrospect, things make sense–but you don´t LITERALLY live in the past. Understand that one day will be the present´s future, and you will understand or be able to see better what is going on–waiting for daylight? So really–you can´t really press charges–because ultimately, you put yourself in that situation.  Poor life choices aren´t illegal, inherently–instead, look at the big picture? Build community where you live; drop off soda to a random neighbor sometime? Random Acts of Strange Kindness–hey… I don´t know you and we´ve never met–here´s an unopened 2 liter of soda.”

I pause; that one´s probably not a good idea.

“Ok… scratch the last idea–but maybe you could get a pizza delivered to a stranger´s house… and not take credit for it? Like… don´t be the hero; don´t be the good guy; don´t talk about how great you are.”

I pause; that last one was pretty good.

I pull out my notepad and make a note–Don´t talk about how… 

“Instead develop traits that make you a successful team player–not the fastest; not the slowest; not the leader; not mentally absent–make sense?”

HR turns her head to me, “yeah, sure, whatever. Hey–The TV show´s on–you want to check it out?”

I pause.

“Yeah”, I say as I get up from my seat, “of course!”

“Ok”, HR replies as she grabs a bag of digitalpapitas, “Captain Enthusiasm.”

“Ok”, I reply.