"I really want a moat in front of the house", I tell HR as I strum through the digitalnewspaper. » Y G H M®: the stories, yo
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“I really want a moat in front of the house”, I tell HR as I strum through the digitalnewspaper.

“I really want a moat in front of the house”, I tell HR as I strum through the digitalnewspaper.

“Hun”, my wife says as she turns her head to me, “don´t forget about alligators!”

I pause; I want to really think this out?

I continue, “two sharks. I also want there to be two sharks in my moat in front of the house!”

She pauses.

“That´s nice.”

I pause; I´m a genius, right?

“I would not have pink flamingos in front of the house in the moat. No, I won´t do pink flamingos–I think the sharks and alligators would work well.”

I pause; I think I´m forgetting something.

“Oh”, I say as I set down the digitalnewspaper, “also a welcome sign…. like welcome to my house!

“Sounds good”, HR says as she takes a sip of soda.

She pauses; I kind of like that idea.

“Hey dad”, she continues speaking as she reaches over for the digitalpapitas, “can I have a canoe?”

I pause; she never stops amazing me–chip off the old block.

“No”, I reply as I reach over for the palomitas, “you really want to do a kayak–it just works better in a moat with sharks and alligators.”

My wife takes a sip of her coffee; every FUCKING day, I have to deal with this bullshit.

“Hun”, she says as she reclines her chair at the kitchen table, “would you like to have koi fish also in your moat?”

I pause; she´s talented plus the outside the box thinking.

“Yeah”, I reply as I recline the chair, “the alligators and sharks have to eat something!”

I chuckle; I smile.

The doorbell rings; I stand up; I take a step towards the hallway; I open the front door; a man says that he is here picking up his dry cleaning; I tell him that it is actually 7 houses down; he thanks me; I pause; I ask him where his pants are–do you always go in public like that? He says that this is his space and he can do what he wants.

“Ok.”

I pause; I close the front door; I take a step towards the kitchen; I pull my chair out from the table; I sit down; I recline; I turn my head to HR.

“Told you that we need a moat.”

She pauses; what color should I paint my nails next?

“Yeah”, she replies as she picks up her lata of soda, “I wasn´t actually paying attention–you know… like… whatever.”

I pause; that´s rude!

“Yeah”, I reply as I lean forward and pick up my taza, “like… whatever.”

“Hun”, my wife says as she turns her head to me, “I like your moat idea–can we swim in it?”

I pause; I deal with this every day?

“Sure”, I say as I set down my taza and recline my chair, “you can swim in the moat with sharks and alligators and 17 koi fish, but only on Tuesday at 6pm.”

I turn my head to HR; I sigh.

“Now do you see why we need a kayak and not a canoe”, I say as I chuckle and turn my head to look out the window.

She looks to my wife; then turns her head to look outside the window; she puts her headphones on.

I pause; now, that´s ridiculous.

“So”, I continue talking as I turn my head to look out the window, “I guess I´m just going to keep talking to myself–obviously, no one is listening or cares… and boo-hoo… my life is soooooo hard…. and now I´m going to cry about my problems… and I want ice cream, also!”

“Ummm… dad”, HR says as she turns her head to me, “so like I haven´t hit play on the music yet–so I can hear everything that you say.”

I pause; oh shit.

“Good!”

I pause; I turn my head to look out the window; I turn my head back to HR.   I lean forward and pick up my taza; I take a sip; it´s fucking delicious!

“Sip”, I say as I turn my head to my wife, “is a slang way of saying of course.  It means like–yeah, obviously–like don´t call the red horse red because everyone knows already that the red horse is red, right?”

My wife pauses; so he HAS been reading my online journal!

Yeah, I think back to her, love your blog.

HR rolls her eyes; still haven´t hit play on the music!

I pause; I set down my taza; I recline my chair.

“Yeah…”, I say as I pick up the digitalnewspaper, “that´s cool.”

My wife pauses; I think I´m missing something?

“Dear”, she asks as she sets down her taza, “why do you want a moat?”

I pause.

“Because people don´t know how to swim.”

I pause; I sigh.

“But they can learn”, I say as I turn my head to look out the window, “so we also need a trampoline.”

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