03 Sep “Hey–do you want any help getting out of that hole that you dug for yourself, and then fell in?”
“No”, the writer replies, “just one moment–I accidently got my foot caught in my mouth.”
“Ain´t that the worst”, I call back from the top of the hole on Planet LWMES.
“I can´t hear you well”, he replies as I hear scraping noises, “I´m trying to get myself right side up so I can see the way out of this hole.”
“I´ll wait”, I reply as I pull my digitaltelephone out of my pocket.
I swipe right to Wonderful Words and hit play; the device beeps and I start typing: caterpillar. I hit submit; the phone beeps that I got it correct.
“So I was thinking”, I continue talking as I put my phone back in my pocket, “you wanted to talk about your raise?”
“I don´t think that this is a good time for that conversation”, he yells back as I hear more scraping noise.
“I think it´s the best time”, I reply as I push a little dirt into the hole, “I mean you want to bargain when you´re in a position of weakness–not strength. That will be using your leverage against the other person.”
“I think that it´s best when we can see eye to eye–be on level ground. That´s when the bargaining should occur.”
“I think that I have the leverage as you are preoccupied with your current problem–so for me, this is a great time for me to push my agenda on your increase in pay, or possibly decrease.”
“That´s fucked up–why don´t you wait until I get out of this predicament.”
“But”, I continue speaking as I push a little more dirt into the hole with my foot, “I seem to have the upperhand in these bargaining negotiations–clearly, it´s in my interest to advance my position to get what I want.”
“But, if you don´t consider my position and meet me on my level–I will hold a grudge.”
“I don´t mind–I´m the boss so I get to have my way.”
“There´s truth in that”, he replies as he pokes his hand out the top of the hole, “but my work done under diress is unreliable–it will be causing you double because you will have to check what I produce. If you don´t have me working under comfortable conditions, it will inevitably end in you having a big headache.”
“Yes”, he replies as his other hand sticks out of the hole, “I understand that you are in a position of power–but you are flexing a bluff. You think that strength means control; instead, I am in charge of my destiny and I can control how things go moving forward.”
“The employee has no control over the business.”
“The business is about assets and expenses, correct?”
“You can´t make them all yourself–nor can you be both employer and employee. You need me.”
His head pops up out of the hole.
“Well writer”, I reply as I push a little more dirt into the hole, “I can make your life awful.”
“I can make yours awful, as well”, he replies as he puts his foot on to the ground, “we´re in this together–we´re a team. Our success is mutual.”
“You are salary; I own shares.”
“Financial considerations are not the object of the team–it´s about continuation and exit.”
“Speaking of exit”, I reply as I stretch my hand out to his, “looks like you got out of the hole.”
“Yup”, he replies as he wipes the dirt off his shirt, “so now we can talk about he increase in salary.”
“But first”, I reply as I wipe off his shoulder, “tell me why you dug this hole.”
“It´s a penguin trap”, he replies as he smiles.
“For gathering data?”, I reply as I smirk.
“Exactly”, he replies as he turns around and looks at the hole, “until we get them angry, we can´t understand how they behave. This will get them out of their comfort zone.”
“That´s all I do.”