"Do you understand that your HAKI addiction is tearing apart my family--this is the third bag!" » Y G H M®: the stories, yo
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“Do you understand that your HAKI addiction is tearing apart my family–this is the third bag!”

“Do you understand that your HAKI addiction is tearing apart my family–this is the third bag!”

The dog in the corner tilts his head.

“Hun!”, I call out to my wife as I shake my head, “your dog got into your HAKI again.”

“It´s ok”, she replies as she she takes a step into the kitchen.

I pause; she seems to be taking this well.

She continues as she turns to the coffeemaker, “it´s been a rough week–I´ll worry about that some other time. Now, I just want to get some sleep–I barely slept last night.”

I pause; weird–I slept like a baby?

“I didn´t know”, I reply as I scoop the mess on the table up.

“Hey dad”, HR says as she takes a sip of soda, “why did the gopher cross the road?”

I pause; not the time.


“Yeah”, she replies as she opens the bag of digitalpapitas, “I don´t know. I´m just saying that I saw a mess in the road this morning–I didn´t think that we had gophers on Dorinto.”

“Oh!”, I say as I put the HAKI in the trashcan, “I thought that was a joke? Yeah, the government has decided to import them to help with the aestetic improvement project of the tierra verde.”

“Huh?”, HR asks as she leans back in her chair.

“They help keep the vegetation looking good”, I reply as I pull a chair out at the table, “like… they are natural excavators and it´s good for the soil… hence, good for the fawnage to have them around. They make everything better–at least, look better.  That´s sad–the news that you are saying.  I didn´t know.”

HR pauses; I want a horse for Christmas.

My wife sits down at the table.

“I´m going to try and get some more sleep, in a bit”, she says as she takes a sip of coffee, “don´t wake me but check on me at 3 to see if I´m still asleep–I have a meeting and I don´t want to set my alarm, but I don´t want to oversleep and miss it, also.”

“Potato”, I say as I lean forward and pick up my lata of soda, “that´s what is on sale at the farmer´s market this weekend. Do you want me to pick some up?”

“You know”, my wife says as she turns her head to look out the window, “you´re an adult–make a judgement call.  You can do what you want, when you want, as you see fit–but make sure to pick up 2 liters of goats milk for my pancakes.”


“You want to go with me?”, I ask HR as I take another sip of soda.

“Are there going to be gophers for sale?”

“Yeah”, I reply as I turn my head to look out the window, “the new saying on Dorinto is–

Gopher what really matters in your life–gopher more.

It´s kinda lame–but that´s how life is.  I´ve been meaning to pick up a small family–a gopher family.”

“Gopher kinda sounds like a joke word”, she says as she turns her head to me, “like when all seems lost, gopher it.”

“Oh! I have one”, I say as I lean back in my chair, “I don´t always gopher it, but when I gopher it, I gopher it.”

She grimmaces.

“Yeah”, she replies as she grabs a handful of digitalpapitas, “don´t quit your day job–the comedy store called… the comedy store called you not funny.”

I turn my head away and then back to her, “like… do you want to go to the farmer´s market with me–or not?”

“Sorry, dad”, she replies as she grabs another handful of digitalpapitas, “yeah–of course!”

“Well”, I reply as I stand up from my chair, “I have to go on a mystery on Planet GOMENW. See you for dinner. Make sure your mom is awake at 3.”

“Will you pay me?”, HR asks as she leans forward in her chair and takes a sip of soda.

“I´ll pay you attention”, I reply as I turn and take a step towards the hallway, “look you can help–or you can gopher yourself?”

HR grimmaces.

“I think that you´re trying to say profanity but the gopher joke doesn´t really work well.”

I pause; I roll my eyes.

“Gopher a fucking hike”, I say as I bend over and tighten my shoelace.

“Um, ok?”, she replies, “that actually sounds nice–see you for dinner tonight.”

“Sounds good”, I reply as I take a step into the hallways, “remember 3 today, farmer´s market this weekend, gopher a stroll around the neighborhood, if you like.”

I shut the front door; this is going to be a challenging mystery, today.

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