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I´m not


of my


They´re I´m afraid of me.

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“Well… yeah… I don´t have money to pay someone to babysit you and we don´t have the resources to handle you.”

The dog in the corner in the kitchen tilts his head.

“Yeah”, I say as I lean forward and pick up my taza, “I don´t know.”

HR walks into the kitchen.

“I got a new t-shirt!”

I pause; wasn´t this a school day?

“Cool!”, I say as I lean back, “hey! How did your beach trip go with your girl wolfpack?”

She smiles.

“It was awesome! I got a prize for riding the mechanical bull for 18.29 nanoseconds. GIRL HERO, yo!”

“Um…”, I say as I sip the soda from the glass, “ok?”

“So HR”, my wife says as she reaches over for the bag of digitalpapitas, “why aren´t you going to school?”

HR pauses; how´s she know?

“The kids in the class are mean to me.”

“That´s not an excuse”, my wife says as she reaches into the bag, “you need to learn how to get along with people or get by somehow.”

“Yeah”, she says as she pulls a chair out from the table, “I know what you mean.”

My wife puts a handful of digitalpapitas into her mouth.

“It´s the real world”, she says as she chews, “that´s how shit goes.”

HR pauses; I don´t know.

My wife continues talking as she swallows the papitas, “there´s things more important.  If you don´t go to school, you can´t graduate.  If you don´t graduate, you can´t get a good job.  If you don´t get a good job, you don´t have money. If you don´t have money, you can´t buy me cool shit.  If you don´t buy me cool shit, you will be a loser. If you are a loser, no guy will like you. If no guy likes you, you will die alone.”

My wife pauses as she reaches for another handful.

“Like”, she says as she puts another handful into her mouth, “like we don´t really care…. I´m just saying that it´s going to suck. Like… you know… do whatever the fuck you want. But,”

She pauses; starts chewing the digitalpapitas; takes a sip of soda.

“Well”, she says as she continues, “… so like it´s going to suck.”

“But”, HR replies as she leans back in the chair.

She turns her head to look out the window; back to my wife; to me; to the dog in the corner; she pauses.


My wife grabs another handful of digitalpapitas.

“HR”, she says, “find a way. Find a way to get through it.”

“Hey”, I say as I reach over for the bag, “I have a story.”

HR pauses; looks at me.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

“Ok then”, I say as I lean back in the chair.

I continue talking as HR turns her head to me and my wife chews the food… my wife loves that shit.

“So HR”, I say as I lean forward and pick up my taza, “if I took you to a deserted field in a dangerous part of town at 3am. Would you be afraid?”

“Like”, HR says as she leans forward and reaches for the bag of digitalpapitas, “whatever. Your stories are lame… but ok… yeah.  I would be scared.”

“Why”, I ask as I lean back, “it´s a deserted field. The only person there is you.”

She pauses; maybe this idiot is on to something?

“Ok?”, she says as she puts a handful into her mouth.

“Yeah”, I reply as I reach for the digitalvegetables, “because you are not scared of others–you are scared of you. It goes back to the idea of intentions versus motives. You may have the best intentions in the world–but what are your motives? It may be a great idea to let that person cut in front of you when you are driving the spacejet–but are you doing it because you care or because you expect something in return? It could be something innocuous as a wave of gratitude or benign as a simple flick of the hand in acknowledgement. Is that your reasoning–or is it because it´s the right thing to do? The right thing to do is very challenging–that is life. Is it better to go the speed limit and arrive late to your child´s birth or to speed a little and get there on time–what to you is the right thing to do? Is shoplifting a little to help someone, acceptable? These questions you have to answer yourself–this is where your moral code of YOU and your ETHICS and your personal opinion come in. Ultimately, our system is developed around an idea that everyone has a different set of governing values–we have uniform standards for behavior, but the individual decides the action. It´s called mea culpa to say–I´m the one responsible. It may not get you friends and people may not like you at school, but you OWN your life–the consequences of your behaviors are you. But, like your mom said about going to college to get a good job to buy cool shit–that´s not a bad thing. Maybe the consequences of your actions help you–maybe this is where happiness is?”

“Yeah”, HR says as she chews the digitalpapitas, “that was actually kinda interesting.”

I pause; I wish I wrote that shit down.

“So like anyways”, she says as she slides the bag of digitalpapitas towards my wife, “you want to see the cool t-shirt I got for winning the mechanical bull riding contest?”

I pause; I look out the window; I look back to her.

“Yeah”, I say as I set my taza down and put the spoon into the digitalvegetables, “of course!”

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